What's the opposite of "easy does it?"

Azerbaijan.... It was HARD.

"Hard, what do you mean?"

"It represents a lot of loss for me?" That's how I felt at first. Now a few weeks removed, I am softening and appreciating it all.

A few weeks before arriving Azerbaijan, I had begun to feel a lot of anxiety. I was enjoying my time in Turkey and suddenly I knew I would be coming face to face with it--Azerbaijan. I would be walking on its soil and meeting the faces from story-book blogs. It was as if I was walking into a reality-a dream-one I didn't really want to visit fully, but one I knew I must. Inshallah (if it is God's will) ... it had arrived. What would I do with it?! And what might others?

It represented so much; virtual relationships, a home that could have been had Mom made it through her chemo and lived, and a kind of hardship that in the long run, would expose me to things in life that would soften my heart and strengthen my fortitude.

My Peace Corps Azerbaijan story became something I could have never imagined.

Apparently all I needed was 3 weeks in the flesh to realize and complete my Peace Corps story in Azerbaijan. I experienced heart-break and loss in a way I never expected... and yet, I still showed up, continued to express, continued to love, continued to be gentle. I walked through the pain, cried to hear the gate close shut behind me... but, I continued to walk, continued to remember the blessing, continued to be me as the first chapter of Azerbaijan came to a close.

What does showing up do? My intellect had expected it could heal one aspect and maybe that is yet to come but but as the old adage goes, when one door closes others open. Chapter 2 would bring me new experiences in Azerbaijan that would offer me varying perspectives and insights of what life is about in the Peace Corps. I was the guest of many Peace Corps sites...some I knew I would be visiting prior to coming, some I did not.

I explored the west, south and north of Azerbaijan Peace Corps sites. All were wonderful experiences. One of the projects I sat in on was for HIV and AIDS education. Sadly, the pre-knowledge of these teen-age kids was pretty low. Most kids answered that they thought they could be infected by sitting on a toilet seat, for an example. It brought back memories from the 80's when young Ryan White was ridiculed by his peers in school when attempting to use a public school bathroom. Americans were ignorant and in some ways our administration (government and public sectors) perpetuated the problem when the school gave Ryan his own separate bathroom. But Ryan kept showing up. Former best friends feared him. Though he was the same kid many of his friends loved, by showing up infected with HIV, fear brought out the worst in some. But he kept on with his journey and left his mark despite the loss of friends and so much. In the end though ... wow! He is my hero!

Rumi says, "Journeys bring power and love back into you. If you can’t go somewhere, move in the passageways of the self. They are like shafts of light, always changing, and you change when you explore them.”
~Rumi

Ryan is indeed my hero. He made his presence known, journeyed through it and demonstrated his personal power and essence...and on some level-maybe unconsciously-he had to know that despite the hits he was taking, he'd leave his mark--his light...and he did. he certainly shines in my life.

The HIV/AIDS campaign in Imishli Azerbaijan, led by PC volunteer Hana, was, in my mind, a shaft of Ryan's light showing up. The presentation was one Ryan would be proud of. It engaged the kids and most importantly informed them. And for me, it brought back those memories of how ignorance can perpetuate the problem when schools, and government disallow the discussion. This program shared and explored HIV/AIDS in a way that IS saving lives. Great work Hana!

The HS kids totally engaged!

The turning of tide in Azerbaijan began at a woman's Peace Corps retreat where I met other PCV's who would share more PC stories, would observe the PC life, the drama, the gossip and most impressive, the close comradeship. No matter the age of the PC volunteer, it seemed everyone could share and be part of the whole. Though I was kind of a foster child of the 7th class (year) of PCVs there in Azerbaijan, and stood on the periphery of that circle, I still got a sense of life in the Peace Corps. Of course it helped that many of the volunteers knew of me.

But for me it was strange to see the faces behind the blog or photo. It was like a cartoon coming alive ... Remember that A-Ha video, Take on Me from the 80's, where the cartoon hops in and out of reality?
...REMEMBER!?

This is what I felt like for the first few weeks until I started to become part of the story rather than an intruder or observer of it. I was now face to face with it--I was in it and in the lives and work of Azerbaijan Peace Corps volunteers. Words from blogs and emails became mere utterances in comparison to the experience itself. In some cases, I was experiencing how life inside the story can be very different than the written word...so easy for words to mask reality--now I was in it. Life in the PC isn't all warm and fuzzy, but it IS life-changing.

One reason I believe I would do well in the PC is because I have been told I do pretty well in exposing my personal vulnerability ... sometimes that leads to heart-ache and other times leads to life-long friendships. At times I leave a ripple for another to ride, other times I may knock them off their boat. But so long as I take personal responsibility for all that I do and say in life and written word, I know I am leaving it all out there for the taking ... or leaving. The choice is no longer mine when I do my part ... that's what being vulnerable is all about. This quote in fact reminded me of that and inspired this blog...

"When it comes to interacting with others--and everything you do requires interaction--relinquish technique. Release your need to do it right. There is no right. Open your heart and be yourself. You are never more vibrant than when you are vulnerable, never more genuine than when you are humble, never more trustworthy than when you are completely open."
~Aman Motwane

One of the reasons it took me so long to write this post was because I was still stinging a bit from my initial Azerbaijan experience. I wanted to wait until my heart softened and I was sharing from a place of gratitude. Now I am out of Azerbaijan, and now part of a story inside many PCV lives and blogs and FaceBook posts. I have bolstered relationships, built new ones, and learned and am so very grateful for all relationships for what they have offered me.

I got to team teach at the University level, taught clowning to elementary kids, experienced heart-warming experiences and heart-breaking ones. In the end I know I can hack being a Peace Corps Volunteer and walk through the dark moments and the shards of light that make their way through. All are creating a kind of stain glass window of memories and personal growth.

The question is when and if I will re-enlist?

I will go back to Arizona, feel things out there, attend my doctorate reunion in CA on which happens to be on my Mother's birthday (June 17th), go back to WA and sew up some logistics and just go with the flow and see what ripple emerge.

Wherever I go and however I do it, what I know, is despite how difficult the journey may be, I will stand up to it, face it, embrace it and express my hearts desire. I will take all those who I have interacted with, continue to bless them through all our joys and pains, be grateful for it all and continue my life's work. I will remain naked in my vulnerability despite the fears that emerge from it knowing in the end it is what makes me stronger and a more honest person. That! to me is what life is all about... that is reality...not just a blog of thoughts and desires, but rather a place to live and learn and grow from it all. I'm gonna go out of this life with it all laid out ... take it or leave it, I believe in these seeds I sow! Peace out!




Life in Mingachiver (NOT ming-get-u-ver BUT ming-got-u-ver). Thanks Alex for the good time and being patient with me when I taking these photos and ruining your reputation ;) !


I exited Azerbaijan into Georgia with PCV's in tow.

I hung out with volunteers in Georgia and had the time of my life. Great way to leave Azerbaijan but not the necessarily the Peace Corps experience.

We walked the streets of Tbilisi...

Posed with the art ... Alexis (PCV from the 6th class) "nesting."

We watched a little rugby

Admired the architecture ... ...
nature ... ...

and cathedrals ...

witnessed odd advertisements ...


Took way cool team photos ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

...did out best trying to become hyper- brainiacs ... that's brain Chris and I are eating ...

We drank lots of wine ...
... and it showed!

But it was fun and I left with the Peace Corps experience--Azerbaijan style--with a smile on my face.


çox təşəkkür edirəm! (from Azeri)

Thank you so very much! (back to American English) ...